ABC Schemas

ABC Schemas are meant to help you get an overview of the situations in which your child exhibits problematic behaviour. You can write down the situation which led to the problematic behaviour, the problematic behaviour itself, and the situation which followed it on the right-hand side.

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Parenting skills

This page contains some tips on important, powerful, but often difficult-to-master parenting skills. Before you read any further, consider the following: Perhaps there is a reason for your child's behaviour; perhaps you can learn from it. Your child will disobey sooner if your rules are too strict, lie sooner if your corrections are too severe, etc. For example, if your child dawdles all the time when going to bed, maybe the bedtime is too early? Also, a physical complaint (such as e.g. a bladder infection) can also be the cause of your child's behaviour. In summary: Only try to alter your child's behaviour using the strategies on this page if you think your child does not have a good reason for his/her behaviour. When making use of these skills, be sure to use them consistently. By this, we mean that you should strive to:

• Always apply your rules when you can;
• Always apply the same rules;
• Always keep to your promises and warnings;
• Always keep to prior decisions.

Behaviour that is consistently rewarded, will increase; behaviour that is consistently corrected or ignored, will usually decrease. Also, if you always keep to your own warnings and decisions, this will likely reduce problematic behaviour such as whining and disobedience. This is because your child then learns (s)he has nothing to gain by these behaviours. If you’re not consequent, your child learns (s)he can always try e.g. whining or disobedience. Also, your child may feel insecure or frustrated because of your inconsistency.

PITFALL: Of course, if you feel it’s for the best, you can still rewind decisions. Just try to minimize this number.

Praising

Compliments are miniature rewards. They strengthen your child’s positive behaviour, increase confidence, and create a pleasant atmosphere besides. When giving compliments, be as concrete as possible, so your child knows which behaviour is rewarded ('You’re great at colouring within the lines!' instead of just 'Great!'). Praising well requires a lot of attention for your child’s positive behaviour, even if negative behaviour often draws more attention. Positive behaviour is often taken to be "normal", but realize that for many children, this is not the standard yet. It may help to divide tasks in lots of small steps, to give you a lot of opportunity to praise your child (e.g. 'Well done, you’ve already put on one sock! Now for the other one...').

PITFALL: Criticizing may be the opposite of praising, but it does not always have the opposite effect. Criticizing does usually cause a decrease in confidence and a less pleasant atmosphere, but it does not always decrease problematic behaviour. Thus the following rule of thumb: Praise as often as possible, criticize as often as necessary.

Discussing consequences

If your child feels that it a correction is not justified, or an order comes as an unpleasant surprise, this may lead to problematic behaviour. Therefore, it’s a good practice to concretely discuss the consequences of your child's behaviour with your child when possible.
This concrete explanation contains:

• The desired behaviour (e.g. shutting off the computer);
• The time at which the behaviour should be shown (e.g. in five minutes);
• If necessary, the correction which otherwise is given.

Remember to be consequent: Only warn for consequences that you fully intend to put into practice.

Playing

Playing time is worth far more if you 'follow' your child in play.

When playing with children, make sure you do something (s)he likes to do. Then, you can let him/her go his/her own way as far as possible and adapt to his/her games. In general, you should try to avoid giving orders, asking questions, and criticizing. Instead, try to give compliments for every positive behaviour, make eye contact, and verbalize what your child does (all-in-one: Look at your child playing with lego and say 'Wow, you’re building something really beautiful! It’s a red house.'). Following your child’s play leads to increased feelings of acceptance and confidence, and an increase of positive behaviour, as well as a stronger bond between you and your child.

PITFALL: Of course, you shouldn't reward undesired behaviour by following. Try to ignore it as much as possible. If necessary, you can end the game after a warning.

Rewarding

When rewarding your child with more than just a compliment, make sure the reward is attractive to him/her. Of course, not every child likes the same things (e.g. playing football, eating ice cream, a new doll), so a reward for one child may feel like a correction to another. A reward is best accompanied by a compliment for the specific positive behaviour. For example: 'I’m so glad you’re downstairs on time! Now, you may choose a sticker.'

A tested parenting technique is to set up a reward schema. For example, your child can earn one or multiple stickers per positive behaviour (e.g. solving an argument non-aggressively, putting its own shoes on, remaining calm in the supermarket, etc.). A predetermined number of stickers can then be exchanged for a privilege, like playing a game, an extra bedtime story, or even a present. Of course, these privileges can also be direct rewards, but make sure your child doesn’t get used to overly large rewards; a reward should be worth the effort, and besides, the compliment is the most important.

Correcting

Correcting (or 'punishing') is a way to discourage your child's problematic behaviour. In general, this method is only used when necessary and only together with a reward for the opposite, 'good' behaviour. And both should be predictable, so in general: Never correct without asking for the wanted behaviour. A good example: 'Don't jump around so much in the living room; if you want to jump, go outside.' This way, your child not only knows what (s)he shouldn't do, but also what (s)he can do instead.
There are five primary correction techniques:

• Reprimanding ('criticizing'): The reverse of giving a compliment. For example: 'Don’t rock on your chair or it’ll break';
• Using natural consequences: Don’t do anything to avoid an unpleasant consequence of your child’s problematic behaviour. For example: 'If you’re late for dinner, that means dinner is cold';
• Using logical consequences: Have your child compensate for problematic behaviour in a logical way. For example: 'For every minute you’re off your room, tomorrow’s bedtime is one minute earlier';
• Overcorrection: A logical consequence with overcompensation. For example: 'If you steal one of your friend’s toys, you have to give it back yourself, and we'll also give away one of your own';
• Taking away a privilege: Sometimes, a logical consequence is not present or not sufficient. In this case, an unrelated privilege may be taken away, such as a toy, dessert, pocket money, or computer time. For example: 'If you hit your little brother, you don’t get a bedtime story.'

PITFALL 1: A 'correction schema' as an alternative for a 'reward schema' is highly discouraged. It will strike your child as very negative and may cause frustration and insecurity. What you can do, however, is to use a mixed schema. You can use poker chips or magnets instead of stickers in a reward schema, so that they can be removed in the case of problematic behaviour. If you do this, though, try to be as clear and as fair as you can (an examplary warning: 'If you don’t get out of the bath in one minute, you’ll lose a chip').

PITFALL 2: Correcting always means giving your child some negative attention, which in itself may be a reward. Therefore, use corrections even more sparingly when the function of your child’s problematic behaviour is to draw your attention.